That was the question a friend asked, as we stood together in the grocery store check-out line this morning. At first I thought, "Nobody will read it; who wants to hear about fathers?" Anyway, so much research has been done on absentee fathers, dead-beat dads, the lack of quality father/child time, and how the lack of a father affects the masculinity of boys and the femininity of girls, that I feel like we dads ought to lay low. One recent study estimates that an average employed American father spends 20 hours a week in the presence of his children; but, only two hours actively interacting with them.
Actually, not much has been written about fatherhood; probably because few of us know that much about it. Siring children certainly wouldn't qualify one to say much about the subject. So, what do dads know? Most dads know that they're living in a changing world and are trying to reinvent themselves to function in it. Of course it has been the same for moms --that, we do have in common. Mostly, though, dads are supposed to fix things, make money, enforce the rules --and other than that, dads are just there. At some point in the child developmental stages (I don't know where), the kid looks up and discovers, "Oh, look here, this is a person too."
For me, fatherhood started when Gloria got pregnant. There's really no good way to say it. In the past, I've said, "When Gloria and I got pregnant;" but then some wisecracker would come back with, "What do you mean when you got pregnant?" And I've never felt comfortable about saying, "When I got Gloria pregnant." So, I'll just say, "It all started when Gloria conceived our first child." It started with her carrying our baby. First there was morning sickness, which just plain made me sick. I'd like to say it was sympathy pains; however I think it had more to do with, "being around sick people makes me nauseous." Most of that period centered around Gloria and her tummy. She would take her tummy and go to baby showers; I would stay home and cut the lawn. I was hoping I wouldn't lose my job; I wondered how we would pay the hospital bills and in general what to do next.
Finally, the big day came; I was building a barn at the time. Since it was 50 years ago, "father-friendly" hospitals had not yet been invented. Once Gloria entered, everyone on the outside was considered the enemy. At that time, fathers were not thought to be part of anything involving the word maternity --least of all the birth process. There was important work to do and fathers would only get in the way. I was alone for four days, with the exception of a short visiting period each evening. At last, I was able to pay her bail and spring her out of the pokie. The total price of the four day stay was $123.45 for mother and baby. I distinctly remember the feeling: I drove away from the hospital with my family in our 1954 Pontiac (the “get-away” car), feeling as if I had just pulled off the biggest heist in history. Actually, I got them out for $50.00 down and signed a note with the hospital for the remaining $73.45.
Today's fathers are lucky; they are welcomed even into the delivery room, as hospitals have become more "father friendly." By 1988 a survey found that most men (87%) actually took some time off when their children were born. Contrary to outdated ideas, infants are able to form strong attachments with their fathers. There is now a general invitation out, inviting fathers to share in the parenting --many have answered the call. Psychology Today reports that "Fathers who invest time and effort in their children's lives are just as successful in their careers as men who are less involved." Not only do fathers themselves benefit emotionally from the experience of nurturing, but the children become stronger adults. Research shows that a child is more likely to imitate a father about whom he or she feels positive than one of whom he or she is afraid. The only other thing I know about being a father is that keeping peace in the family requires patience, love, understanding, and at least two bathrooms. Happy Father’s Day; and Good Luck!