I’m sorry, but I’m gonna make you read an old one again. A pretty lady asked me about this one last week, so I thought I’d rerun it for her.
Well, guess what? I got a call the other day from a Phone Creature. I thought that they must have taken me off of their list, or somethin’, ‘cause I hadn’t gotten a call from one of them for a while. I was getttin’ kind of worried, ‘cause I so look forward to talkin’ to them.
Phone Creatures, for you folks out there who have not read this junk I write before, are what I call those telephone solicitors who call tryin’ to sell you somethin’. A lot of people will just hang up on them, but I think that’s rude. Plus, it’s no fun. I’d rather have some fun with them at their expense. I know, that sounds even ruder, but heck, like Popeye says, “I yam what I yam.”
Anywho, the phone rang.
“Yellow,” I said into the receiver. It was silent on the other end. “Yellow!” I said louder. Then I heard that click that tells you it’s a Phone Creature. Let the games begin.
“Who’s this?” I ask in my old man’s voice.
“Rusty Mitchum?” the creature questioned.
“Wow,” I said. “That’s my name, too.”
“No!” the creature said. “This is Pamela Harris with Visa.”
“Where is Lisa?” I said.
“Visa! Visa!” stated the creature.
“I heered you the first time,” I said. “I don’t know where Lisa is. Last time I saw her was right before she ran off with that circus freak.”
“Mr. Mitchum!” the creature said.
“The Alligator Man,” I said. “That’s what they called him. Didn’t look like no alligator to me. Looked more like a monkey that’d been beat with a chain.”
“What she saw in him I have not idea,” I continued. “Oh sure, he had that good job with the circus and all, but he sure weren’t much to look at.”
“Brother,” the creature sighed.
“Her Brother?” I said.
“No sir,” she whined.
“You mean the one who thought he was a buzzard?
“Mr. Mitch….,” she started then stopped. “He thought he was a buzzard?”
“Yeah. The kid gave me the creeps. Squattin’ there on the back of the couch starin’ at you all the time. The least they could have done was put some clothes on him. Real creepy. Last I heered, they put him in a rubber room, with his own perch. Well, the walls are rubber. They have the floor covered with newspaper.”
I paused and heard nothin’ but silence on the other end of the phone. I could tell she was picturin’ the buzzard boy in her mind.
“Rusty Mitchum?” I said. “Are you still there?”
“Oh!” said the creature as if she had been startled. “No, I’m not Rusty. You are Rus…,” then I heard her sigh. “May I speak to your wife?”
“My wife?” I said. “Sure.” I held the phone away from my mouth and yelled as if I was callin’ my wife. “Sugar Booger! Some lady named Rusty Mitchum wants to talk to you!” I moved my mouth back to the phone and started talkin’ in my old lady’s voice.
“Hello,” I said sweetly.
“Good,” said the creature. “Mrs. Mitchum. My name is not Rusty Mitchum. I’m afraid your husband is confused. I’m calling on behalf of Visa.”
“Well hello Lisa,” I said. “How’s the circus life?”
There was a pause on the other end. “Oh Brother,” she sighed again.”
“Your brother?” I said. “Oh dear. I guess haven’t heard. They put your brother away. It was that buzzard thing, you know. That and the fact they couldn’t keep the carpet clean.”
“Mrs. Mitchum,” the creature pleaded. I had to give her credit for persistence.
“Say,” I said in a bubbly voice. “How’s Lizard Boy doing?”
“Alligator Man,” the creature growled.
“Alligator, Lizard, whatever. Does he still eat those live chickens?
“Ugh,” the creature ughhed. “I’m sorry, but I’ve got to go.”
“Oh that’s too bad,” I said sweetly. “Well, come to see us. Oh, you might leave Lizard Boy at home. You know how weak Paw’s stomach is.”
“Don’t worry,” said the creature, and she hung up.
I hung up and giggled. I turned and there she was. My wife Janet, standing there as always with her arms crossed and that “look” on her face.
“What?” I said.
“Lizard Boy” she questioned.
“Alligator Man,” I corrected.
“Oh,” she said sarcastically. “My mistake. By the way, would you check and see where they put Lisa’s brother? Maybe they will take old buzzards, too.”