by Rusty W. Mitchum
The creatures are comin’ out of the woodwork again. Of course, I’m talkin’ about phone creatures. You know, those telemarketers that disturb your supper, or worse, your TV watchin’. Anywho, I got a call from one the other night.
“Yellow,” I said. I didn’t get an answer. “Yellow!” I said louder.”
“Mr. Mitchum?” the creature asked.
“Yes,” I said really slow like.
“Hello, Mr. Mitchum. My name is Molly Sipes.”
“Hello Molly,” I said still talkin’ really slow. “How’s your Mom an’ nem?”
“Sir?”
“And how’s that ol’ outlaw of a daddy of yours? He doin’ alright?”
“Uh, no Sir, Mr. Mitchum, you must be confused.”
“Me confused? Naw. That’s just a rumor my kids started. They tryin’ to get me in a home, you know. But I ain’t agoin’.”
“Mr. Mitchum, maybe there is someone else there I can talk to.”
“’Fraid not Molly. It’s just me. I lost maw, you know.”
“I’m sorry to hear that, but I really need…”
“Yep,” I sniffed. “Turned her loose at the mall and I ain’t seen her since. I think she mighta run off with the meter reader.”
“Mr. Mitchum,” the creature pleaded.
“Handsome devil, that meter reader,” I said. “I should’ve knowd somethin’ was goin’ on. Heck, he came by to read that blame meter twice a week.”
“Mr. Mitchum.”
“By the way,” I said. “My nephew Wally’s not with us anymore.”
“Is that right?” sighed the creature.
“Yep,” I said sadly. “If you remember, he was the one that was always pickin’ his nose. Oh, we tried to get him to stop, but it didn’t do no good. He finally picked it so much, his head caved in.”
“Do what?” the creature said.
“We stuck an air hose up his nose and pumped and pumped and tried to get his head to pop back out, but it didn’t work.”
“Oh, I can’t believe…”
“It mighta worked, but we couldn’t get a good seal. One of his eyeballs kept poppin’ out.”
“Oh my gosh,” said the creature.
“We’d poke it back in, and it’d pop right back out.”
“You’re kidding, right?”
“Naw, I’m not kiddin’,” I said. “We sent ‘em off to live up in the mountains with Grandma Edna. “I would’ve let him stay here, but Maw said she couldn’t stand lookin’ at him. Plus, every time he belched that eye’d pop out.”
“Ugh,” said the creature.
“He was pretty talented, you know. He got to where he would whistle through his nose kinda purdy like. You ain’t lived till you’ve heard Danny Boy whistled through a nostril. It’d bring a tear to a glass eye.”
“Uh, yes Sir,” said the creature. “Look,” she said. “It’s been interesting talking to you, but I’ve got to go.”
“Okay Molly,” I said. “Tell your Daddy I hope he gits to feelin’ better. If you’re ever down this way, drop in.”
“You can count on it,” she said sarcastically and hung up.
This is the time I usually turn to find my wife Janet starin’ at me. Well not this time. Nope, she was in the room the whole time I was talkin’ to the creature. I had been lookin’ at her the whole time. Usually, she’ll leave the room, but not this time. You know, the entire time I was on the phone, she never once smiled.
“What?” I said as I hung up.
“Rusty,” she said. “You know, you’re just not right.”
Ha! Like I’ve never heard that before.
The creatures are comin’ out of the woodwork again. Of course, I’m talkin’ about phone creatures. You know, those telemarketers that disturb your supper, or worse, your TV watchin’. Anywho, I got a call from one the other night.
“Yellow,” I said. I didn’t get an answer. “Yellow!” I said louder.”
“Mr. Mitchum?” the creature asked.
“Yes,” I said really slow like.
“Hello, Mr. Mitchum. My name is Molly Sipes.”
“Hello Molly,” I said still talkin’ really slow. “How’s your Mom an’ nem?”
“Sir?”
“And how’s that ol’ outlaw of a daddy of yours? He doin’ alright?”
“Uh, no Sir, Mr. Mitchum, you must be confused.”
“Me confused? Naw. That’s just a rumor my kids started. They tryin’ to get me in a home, you know. But I ain’t agoin’.”
“Mr. Mitchum, maybe there is someone else there I can talk to.”
“’Fraid not Molly. It’s just me. I lost maw, you know.”
“I’m sorry to hear that, but I really need…”
“Yep,” I sniffed. “Turned her loose at the mall and I ain’t seen her since. I think she mighta run off with the meter reader.”
“Mr. Mitchum,” the creature pleaded.
“Handsome devil, that meter reader,” I said. “I should’ve knowd somethin’ was goin’ on. Heck, he came by to read that blame meter twice a week.”
“Mr. Mitchum.”
“By the way,” I said. “My nephew Wally’s not with us anymore.”
“Is that right?” sighed the creature.
“Yep,” I said sadly. “If you remember, he was the one that was always pickin’ his nose. Oh, we tried to get him to stop, but it didn’t do no good. He finally picked it so much, his head caved in.”
“Do what?” the creature said.
“We stuck an air hose up his nose and pumped and pumped and tried to get his head to pop back out, but it didn’t work.”
“Oh, I can’t believe…”
“It mighta worked, but we couldn’t get a good seal. One of his eyeballs kept poppin’ out.”
“Oh my gosh,” said the creature.
“We’d poke it back in, and it’d pop right back out.”
“You’re kidding, right?”
“Naw, I’m not kiddin’,” I said. “We sent ‘em off to live up in the mountains with Grandma Edna. “I would’ve let him stay here, but Maw said she couldn’t stand lookin’ at him. Plus, every time he belched that eye’d pop out.”
“Ugh,” said the creature.
“He was pretty talented, you know. He got to where he would whistle through his nose kinda purdy like. You ain’t lived till you’ve heard Danny Boy whistled through a nostril. It’d bring a tear to a glass eye.”
“Uh, yes Sir,” said the creature. “Look,” she said. “It’s been interesting talking to you, but I’ve got to go.”
“Okay Molly,” I said. “Tell your Daddy I hope he gits to feelin’ better. If you’re ever down this way, drop in.”
“You can count on it,” she said sarcastically and hung up.
This is the time I usually turn to find my wife Janet starin’ at me. Well not this time. Nope, she was in the room the whole time I was talkin’ to the creature. I had been lookin’ at her the whole time. Usually, she’ll leave the room, but not this time. You know, the entire time I was on the phone, she never once smiled.
“What?” I said as I hung up.
“Rusty,” she said. “You know, you’re just not right.”
Ha! Like I’ve never heard that before.
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